


to you, in april

by orphan_account



Series: war au's [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - World War I, M/M, letters from the trenches, slight angst i suppose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 16:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4528377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  </p><blockquote><em>
      <p>you have all of me, </p>
      <p>eren "jaeger"</p>
    </em></blockquote>
<p></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. may

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sorrydearie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorrydearie/gifts).



> I know it's late where you are, and nearly not your birthday anymore but happy birthday yooo. I hope it was awesome, and I tried to write something kind of angsty for you haha.

> _
> 
> may 1918
> 
> you were the one—knew it as soon as you opened stormy eyes from beneath me, not even moving your gaze to the wound leaking beneath my fingertips. 
> 
> it had been a flower, blossoming red—each bloodstained petal forcing you one breath closer to death. 
> 
> and i was urged to leave you—as you'd nodded, given me permission to do so. though, i could not. i am no coward, and i recognized even then you were not just any man. 
> 
> i fell in love with you far too quickly, and far too passionately for any war. 
> 
> names were not exchanged, as we were not positive we were meant to live throughout the remaining years, so what was the point of an earthly label? i find myself in regret of that, now. 
> 
> you were ackerman, and I was jaeger. 
> 
> and we'd press our backs against the dirt wall of the trench, as you'd whisper fanciful stories in my ear—then, even if only for a moment, i could pretend i was at home in london, would believe you were only holding me to your side as we fell into our bed at night. 
> 
> how i longed for that. 
> 
> though we were not on a creaking boxspring, holding each other and whispering inconsequential nothings—and as the illusion shattered, i realized the sound of artillery never had made a good lullaby, after all. 
> 
> i will find you, ackerman, for i've fallen too deeply into the roaring sea, crashing within my ribcage to give up on the love—on the love that i've found within myself for you. and the love i've found for my own self, within your flowering mind. 
> 
> and i cannot tell you where i exist as i write this—only that i am with you, as is my newfound home. the nurse here asks me who i write to. she's very kind—resembles you. 
> 
> her name is mikasa, and i tell her i write to the one i love, and hope to find well at the conclusion of this war that's yielded nothing for our countrymen. 
> 
> i do not mean to be bitter—though i'm finding even that increasingly difficult as i lay here, with the wound from pieces of shrapnel slowly killing me. 
> 
> at least, that's what i've heard—despite mikasa placing her hand on my forehead in the light of early morning, and whispering in her shaking english that everything will be alright for me. 
> 
> but i will write to you—as long as i need, for my letters to get back where they belong, in your long fingers that i wish to be carding through my hair in this moment. 
> 
> i refrain from calling you my love, just yet—as you're not quite mine in the scenario, as much as i'd wish you to be. 
> 
> and for that, I will begin with my dearest. 
> 
> sincerely,
> 
> eren "jaeger"
> 
> _


	2. june

> _
> 
> june 1918
> 
> i've asked after the 'crass australian' several times—and though i assumed that to be the utter stereotype for individuals of your nation, i now know i was wrong. every man, every woman, all seemed to know of you here in this dastardly clinic—describing your features to me, even naming you with ease from the bullet hole of yours that had brought us together.
> 
> it is a shame we had to meet as the grim reaper attempted to pull you into his grasp. 
> 
> he surely hates me for my defiance. 
> 
> and i'd not meant to learn your name beyond ackerman—yet now i do know, i believe it's fitting.
> 
> you really do resemble a levi. 
> 
> and i do suppose the clinic is not quite as cruel as i've made it out to be—only so as it's keeping me from returning to you. though, as they nurse me back to health—i think on that my death surely would equate to the same.
> 
> i do not complain any longer. 
> 
> for i wish to see you once-more. 
> 
> and i must be breathing for that. 
> 
> i can only hope you continue to do the same.
> 
> with all that i have, 
> 
> eren "jaeger"
> 
> _


	3. july

> _
> 
> july 1918
> 
> they tell me that i am returning home. mikasa came to embrace me, as she felt that i needed contact of the most minimal form, and i returned it—held her tight. she was the largest factor in my staying strong throughout infection—besides you and your crooked smile that could win over any heart, of course. 
> 
> i think that i will miss her in london, just as i miss you now. 
> 
> my mind cannot help but to think back on the night of my injury—when i'd been ripped from you, as you had been from me. with shrapnel burning within my skin, i felt what it meant to believe that death had been knocking at my door. 
> 
> but you—your arms had held me to your sturdy chest. 
> 
> and you'd been crying. 
> 
> you had told god you'd give anything to save me—anyone's life, even your own. 
> 
> but it was unnecessary.
> 
> i had known that you hated mess—and stain. (blood will cause stain. we had been sleeping in dirt trenches.)
> 
> but you held my leaking body to your uniform—flowers of red blooming across the both of us, making a garden to share. 
> 
> (we were both a mess.
> 
> yet you clung to me anyways.)
> 
> and i knew then that you loved me.
> 
> before i'd been taken away, i believe that i whispered three words signifying the storm within my thundering chest. 
> 
> god, do i pray that i did.
> 
> with everything that i am,
> 
> eren "jaeger"
> 
> _


	4. september

> _
> 
> september 1918
> 
> home in london, though—it does not feel like a home without you here. 
> 
> i am lost without you, levi. 
> 
> —but i wish to be found once-more, as my letters reach their final destination. 
> 
> and know you are the man of all my dreams—any i could conjure, not only one.
> 
> they tell me that my leg will never be the same—hope you can live to love a man missing his left foot, a disparaging falter in each step. 
> 
> the children here stare at the metal protruding from beneath my artificial ankle. 
> 
> the sadness in their eyes tell they recognize the adverse effect of spoils of war. 
> 
> infection was a bitch. 
> 
> though, not as bad as awaiting your response, love.
> 
> you have all of me, 
> 
> eren "jaeger"
> 
> _


	5. april

> _
> 
> april 1919
> 
> i've been thinking how to begin this letter for many months—though i'd eventually concluded honesty in my own indecisiveness to be the best policy.
> 
> i am aware this letter will not reach its destination—as i was made aware that over one million of my countrymen would not be returning home to share a final pint. 
> 
> i cannot decide which is the more tragic of the two.
> 
> (truth be told that i can, and the tragedy is you.) 
> 
> it seems that if god truly does exist, he took your life for mine after all. 
> 
> (seemingly i cannot find it within myself to believe he'd take you from me had he been real at the end of it.
> 
> maybe my belief stemmed from the expression: 'there are no atheists on a battlefield.' 
> 
> maybe this is true. 
> 
> yet maybe it is not.
> 
> i can never be sure.)
> 
> and i think on the many things i'd never gotten to do with you—feel your lips on mine, make love to you mid-night as all the world is sleeping, or simply live in peace with you by my side. 
> 
> i will live—yet not in peace nor you with me. 
> 
> now i find myself clinging to the memories that rush to me—your calloused hand gripping mine beneath the cover of night, and artillery crashing like the fireworks that i'd pretend it was.
> 
> and in these moments of reflection, i am content.
> 
> (i had said i fell in love with you far too quickly for any war.
> 
> and i had meant it.
> 
> though i do not regret it.
> 
> —not one bit. 
> 
> even now, you are beautiful in wisps of memory. 
> 
> i shall cherish you till i forget how.) 
> 
> you were the scorching flame brought to my life—it is no wonder you burned out the moment we'd come in contact. 
> 
> i only wish i'd had the opportunity to feel the searing heat of your palm, scorching the skin across my body as it were. 
> 
> (i say i will cherish you till i forget how. 
> 
> i will never forget.
> 
> i am in love with a memory. 
> 
> and there is no god.)
> 
> I am yours. 
> 
> always, 
> 
> eren "jaeger" 
> 
> post script—i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you…
> 
> _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this really quickly to be on time, so I apologize if it's not up to par. Anyways, again, happy birthday angst queen.
> 
> I hope everyone else enjoyed this too? Idk bro idk, band camp fried my brain.
> 
> also! If anyone is wondering why I made Levi Australian, I believe the longest stretch of a battallion in the trenches during world war i was an australian battalion who were stuck there for around 53 days—therefore it's more accurate to have levi have been australian to make the timeline in which eren fell for him more realistic. 
> 
> thanks for reading bro.


End file.
